I have a question.

What the hell has happened to me?

I used to be a happy, cheerful person. No really, I did. I used to be positive. I used to think the best of people, and be willing to be surprised, and was generally happy and nice and smiley.

So, what happened?

Cos I am not that person anymore. My default setting is more like - seething bitterness (can bitterness seethe?). I understand Schadenfreude way too much. I moan ALL the time. I'm not depressed, cos I still actually want to do stuff, and I'm not unhappy, as such, but I am also not entirely happy.

Clare and I discussed via text message last week that maybe frustration and lonliness is part of the human condition (the irony of having that conversation via text wasn't lost in me, either). And I think we are right. People often let you down.

But still, I think I am becoming increasingly self-involved. And the more time I spend alone, and the more time I spend in my own head, the worse it gets. And I'm turning into a person I don't necessarily like. But is it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Can I stop myself before I turn into a completely self-obsessed lunatic? How many times in a paragraph can I use the word self?

I go through stages where I don't drink a lot. To be fair, I haven't been in one of those stages for a while, so i understand the cries of surprise I just heard, but it is true, I do. And I think I am heading into one of those stages again. It isn't just about being worried about how much i drink (although that is part of it) but also about the person I turn into when I drink. And I don;t always like her.

So I'm gonna stop drinking for a while. cos it does bad things to my head. (except obviously at your party bells.)

My 'fugue' comes from a lot of places. A feeling of being stuck in a rut. A frustration at myself that I am still missing a dumb boy. A feeling that I have no control over my own life. Not having enough of a life (despite being out every night last week). A general feeling of not getting anywhere.

is this just me? Seems to me lots of people in my life might be in the same place?