Righto, here we go.

In what has become a seemingly obligatory tradition, here at Megan's rant of the Day, I give you, my entirely un-educated, completely unfashion-savvy, take on the Oscars.

I like to call it "Whither the curls, ladies?"

Seriously, no curls. Which for those of us with lots of them, is somewhat depressing.

Ok, in no particular order, here we go.

I think this is great. I love the assymetrical neckling, the belt, the detail round the hem. But most of all, I love the colour. And how very flattering the shape is.

Ok, this pains me, because I adore Kate. I like the shape of this dress, a lot. But I don't think the colour (2005 green) works with her skin tone. I think she looks washed out, and nothing draws your eye. It's all a little boring. But the same dress, in a different colour, I think would totally have worked.

Well, that's just unfair. Not only is Catherine Deneuve all french, and hot, she's about 114 and she can still wear a sleeveless dress.

Hee. Well, this is just absurd. She looks like she did her own hair and makeup, and not well. There is far too much going on, and she looks like she trampled on a fraggle on the red carpet. But mostly, I hate the neckline, because it look like a tshirt. Ladies. Dresses should not look like tshirts.

Gorgeous. So very old Hollywood glamour. Totally redeemed from the Golden Globes pompom horror.

Hmm. Well, at least it isn't gold and shiny. She's so pretty, why can't she wear something a little more understated and shoes that don't look like orthopedic shoes for 80 year olds? I don't like the colour, and I don't think it is very flattering. Look how big her hips look. Yes, she's hippy. There are ways to diguise that.

I really can't decide about this. I think I should hate it, because it kind of looks she got a white tablecloth and wrapped it around herself. I like her hair and makeup though - but I wish she'd get her hair out of her eyes.

Another one I am in two minds over. I love the detailing on the bodice. But I hate the bottom half. My first though when I saw it was 'wow. someone killed a lot of muppets for that'. But I also think she pulled it off. She's so incredibly beautiful, and her hair and makeup and just the way she walked and carried herself kind of worked. I can't decide.

See, this is how you wear a dress. I can't think of anythng bad to say. She's so hot. I love the beading on the shoulder, and round the hem, and that she is just so hot.

This worked a lot better on stage than on the red carpet, but is very nice. If a little yawny.

Oh, Meryl. You are a living legend. You are the actress all these other women want to be. You should be a benchmark of glamour and class. And instead you wear a a necklace you recycled from when you made Out of Africa. Having said that, how much do you want to be at this table? (And I think if you had taken the necklace off, and put on some diamonds - you must have some - the dress would work. You'd need to do something about the hair too, though.)

Eew. First of all, Gwyneth, get a haircut, and fix whatever it is about your teeth that is stopping you from smiling. Then, find a dress that is not that Godawful colour, and doesn't look exactly like what Michelle Williams wore last year.

Oh Helen, the whole world loves you. You are hot.

Wrong colour for and awards show. Ill fitting. And her hair looks like mine when I get out of bed. Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. And also, what have you done that you get invited to the Oscars?

Oh Leo. You used to be so hot. What happened to that?

On the other hand, Mark, you used to have a funky bunch. And now you are all hot respected actor with a beautiful wife in a good dress. Life's funny sometimes, isn't it?

Hey Portia! You ate a pie, like we all asked, and look how good you look! Yay for Ellen (who did a good job, by the way).

Helloooo Mr Craig. I like you, despite my best intentions. You are hot. And your "friend" there, is too, and she has a fantastic dress. Well done.

Oh, Annie. I love that you are one of the few women in Hollywood who looks like a normal size, and you aren't afraid to be that. I therefore wish that you would wear dresses that are not only stupid, but that make you look TWICE YOUR ACTUAL SIZE.

Ok, I've saved my best for last.

Well. Poor Jennifer Hudson. When the Vogue Fashion Editor tells you to wear something, who amongst us is going to have the balls to defy him. (he's a big guy, he could probably crush you.) I don't hate the dress, and when you took the jacket (that made you look like, alternately, a spaceman, or a disco ball) off, it was much better. But red carpet dresses should be glamourous, and we should aspire to look like you in them. And we don't. And they shouldn't have pockets, because look how you are standing, slouchy. As the fug girls said last year, it is the sartorial equivalent of chewing gum.

And it is a shame you couldn't stand up to him. Because look how good you look! So much better, and so much more oscar-worthy, and so much better hair. And very good breasts.

Or, you could have just kept wearing this. Actually, so could have Beyonce and Anika Noni Rose, cos these dresses are great.

Love. Hate the hair - too mumsy. But adore the dress. Totally works with her figure and her skin, and everything.

Yay. Love. Fabulous coulor, and love the graduated colour down the bottom. Love the ruffles, and the bracelet, and everything. I'm not a fan of the extensions, but I like that she is the only one with straigh hair that isn't doing the swept to one side, annoying look I'm about to say I hate.

Dear my erstwhile girl crush, Charlize Theron. We broke up last year, because of your ridiculous pillow sized shoulder bow. If only you had known that if you are going to wear a bow, this is how you should do it. In a colour that makes you stand out, and where the rest of the dress is simple and elegant (work a train in there too, that helps) and will make your ex-husband dump that poor unfortunate girl, and make a fool of himself trying to duel your new alcoholic husband, who could totally take him. Look how tall and elegant she looks. And how she stands up, and doesn't look like she is bowing under the combined weight of the bow, and a very uncomfortable fabric. Now, could you please do me a favour and call Nicole, and ask her to stop flatironing her hair to within an inch of her life, get a haircut, and go back to her much prettier deeper red. Or at the very least, get her roots done. And stop wearing it with the lowest side part known to man - it looks awful. And if you could get her to eat a burger, while you were chatting, that would be good too.

See, from this angle you can't even see the bow. Whereas, my dear Charlize, on yours, all you could see was the bow.

One last gripe. Look how pale they all are! The one year I actually have a tan. Grr.